Warning: A long, meandering post which touches many subjects without going into one specifically. Sorry if I jump around, I’m just writing what comes to mind Mii’gwetch!

On January 22, 2008 I began this blog. My first entry was entitled, “New Beginnings” and I believe now more than ever, I can truly say that. At that point I had been working as a web-designer on a student contract while going to school full-time and just really feeling my life was “on-hold”. In fact, I had felt that way for a few years as I had to focus on my re-schooling. I also was really suffering serious home-sickness. I’m not the kind of person to get ‘home-sick’… I’m a person who can stay ‘alone’ for a long time without going wacko, but when you are in a place you don’t feel comfortable at, it just doesn’t feel like home. And you can only do that for so long, before it gets to you. I also had the heavy burden of not being able to really have a “real” job and being in an area where jobs are scarce. While that hasn’t changed, other things have. I now have my bachelor’s degree and my education degree is complete but won’t be conferred until June, 2009. I have my teaching certificate and can now teaching anywhere in the province. And yes — things are still sorta on pause now as I await employment news — but at least I feel like I’ve taken about ten steps forward instead of the usual three steps back! Progress my friends, progress!

Tonight I sit here, typing away and listening to some music. You know? I forgot how nice music sounds! I don’t just mean the mindless drone music you hear on the radio sometimes, that you listen to while you work on something. I mean, to sit and truly listen to it. I’m listening to Andrea Bocelli at the moment and sometimes it’s good to just sit back, listen to the voice (as an instrument) and how it works with the other instruments. You don’t understand the words (for the most part) and you can just focus on the music for what it is, without becoming too narrowed in thought based by the words. I was never a singer myself but usually just played instruments. I was way too shy to sing, believe me! My dad was a singer but me? No way. However, the first second (literally!) that I picked up an instrument in my grade 6 class, I knew I was destined to be a musician. In fact, I saw it as a challenge! Grade 6 & 7, I got stuck playing the clarinet. Everyone wanted the flute and I got stuck on that ugly thing. But, I learned to play it. The summer of grade 7/8, I had a chance to take a highschool music class during the summer months. Sweeet. And? I got to play flute! Totally sweet! So, I learned it on my own. Grade 9 I got stuck playing the sax. Too many flute players, so would someone kindly please play sax? Not only do we need you to play sax but we need you to play tenor sax! Sure, I’d LOVE to lug that big thing around. No problemo. But, I took it as a challenge. I practised until my lips bled (literally) and I lived for music! I was grateful that I had a gift for it but obviously not so grateful that I quit in grade 11 because I couldn’t stand the music teacher.  Why? I don’t know. Personality clash. She got mad at me for learning so many instruments (I’d often stay late or take home other instruments to learn, to the point where I was ‘fluent’ in many of them). “You can’t excel at all of these instruments, you shouldn’t be doing that.” The problem was, I could. And I know I could. Why? Because, I did and I know I could. However, she kept getting angry at me all of the time by giving me the hairy eye and I’m totally not into games, so I quit.

Can you believe that? I quit!

Biggest regret in my life. The regret is NOT that I quit the classes and stopped playing, but the regret that I “let her win”. I let her take music away from me. I let her have that control on me.

However!

I never strayed from music. It’s seared upon my soul and until the day I die, I will always be a musician. Right now I don’t play as well as I used to but within 2 minutes of picking up the saxophone for the first time in 10 years last year, it came flooding back. And with a rush of emotion and feeling undescribable to you, I felt an immense relief and a surge of … completeness.

Part of everything that has happened in my life lately feels like a large circle of completeness. Finishing school, starting new employment, returning to music and art… of course, I’m not satisfied in all parts of my life but I am slowly starting to gain reassurance on things. I’m also healing spiritually, after suffering a terrible blow a few years back. Sometimes I still feel as though I stumble through the dark wandering aimlessly.

Oddly enough, it was driving home on a dark and stormy night from french class one night, when I decided to take this next big step. I was feeling out of sorts from the class, disenchanted with my learning… and wondering what on earth my purpose for being on earth is. What is my reason for being here? What is it truly I am meant to do? And in the 10-minute ride home, I reaslised what it is I am to do! My reason for being here, my fire if you will. I am to write a book on (re)discovering humanity. While travelling near and far to write stories of people who have been touched or who have performed random acts of kindness, sympathy/empathy, goodwill and benevolence to their fellow man — I believe firmly my faith in mankind will be rekindled… and my faith in myself reborn as well. Yea, it sounds a bit weird but as luck would have it, so am I!

I asked myself in the car that night, what could someone with my background really do? How can I use all of the skills I have acquired throughout the years towards something? Has all of my education been for not? How can I use my self for the greater good? And how can I heal myself spiritually, before it kills my soul entirely? And literally in a flash, I saw the book. I knew immediately it was my purpose.

Now that I’m “free” of some things, this frees my time up immensely. I do however still need to work so that obviously comes first but I may as well do something with my time when I can, without feeling like it is sucked up into a vortex again or something. I need to live! I need to have purpose once more!

It’s time for the new beginnings, me thinks!

Posted on October 31st, 2008 by admin
Filed under: Uncategorized