And, I’ve been getting into the post-school funk…. the one where I mope around, have no idea what to do with myself and sleep off endless days…. yea, that funk.

I’ve really pushed myself the past two weeks to … get this! … read a book. I haven’t read a book for fun since, well, probably 1995. That is a bit of a lie, I did read Dietgirl’s book last year…. but before that? It was The Power of One by Bryce Courtney. It was a mammoth 1200 some pages if I recall, quickly followed by (the prequel) Tandia… yea, another 1200-some pages. Then school came. And then I stopped reading. Kinda funny, since I went to school to be a writer! Then work came, and school again…. and well, finally it’s just stopped. Reading was no longer *fun*. It was a chore.

I also feel a bit bad that I got pastaqueen’s book a while ago and haven’t read it. It isn’t that I didn’t want to read it. I’ve just forgotten to read for the pleasure of reading! I’ve got a few chapters in but have had to stop. Maybe the content is too relevant. Or likely, I’m too lazy to keep reading. I lost the joy of reading and I know many other long-term students (er, professional students, as some call them) also have lost this lust for reading.

So, a few weeks ago this book was given to me (or, actually, it was placed on a table with a note saying, “Take it if you want to read it and pass it around” which is just as good as being given to me, right?)… It was called, Eat, Pray and Love. Essentially, it’s a story of a woman with a broken heart going through a mid-life crisis… happy happy, joy joy. Kind of like what I’m feeling like, at the ripe age of 30. Some of her story resonates with me, the rest? Not so much. But I was insanely jealous of her globe-trotting exploits of eating pasta and tasty treats in Italy, doing nothing but praying in India and hanging out in Bali with a very favourable exchange rate. If I could just find a job, I could do fun things like that! Oh yea, would they frown on taking a sabbatical my first week there? Probably. Meh.

I actually finished the book… complete with the fairy-tale happy ending we all wish for secretly but few strive to actually get. (Insert self pity here… inhale, exhale… release and let go of self pity!)

I will get around to PQs book… maybe even today. Maybe I can enjoy it more than I did this last one… if I can just let go of my inhibitions and learn to enjoy the book instead of dreading the experience.

School does that to you, you know. And so does the post-school blues.

Anyone know of any feel-good books out there you think I will enjoy? I used to gobble up a book a day… now I barely digest a book a year. I need something to get out of this book-readin’ funk!

Update! P.S. Ask and ye shall recieve! I got my first supply teaching gig today, TWO small web-design assignments and a partridge in a pear tree!

Thanks!

$300 000 000 dollars. That’s a lot of zeros. 

Canada’s estimated population is 33,390,141. That works out to just under $9 per Canadian to foot the bill for democracy.

In the states, they’ve been campaigning for what? Like, 2 years already? Lord knows what they’ve spent! And who knows what the networks have spent on programming… and talk shows… and bus tours… and flights… and stupid little campaign signs…. I read it cost about $4 billion dollars already though I’m sure there are a  lot of hidden costs (like I mentioned above)… with a population of   301,139,947, it works out to about $14 a person. I still question those numbers as I believe them to be much, much higher.

Is this a cost of democracy you are willing to spend?

Warning: A long, meandering post which touches many subjects without going into one specifically. Sorry if I jump around, I’m just writing what comes to mind Mii’gwetch!

On January 22, 2008 I began this blog. My first entry was entitled, “New Beginnings” and I believe now more than ever, I can truly say that. At that point I had been working as a web-designer on a student contract while going to school full-time and just really feeling my life was “on-hold”. In fact, I had felt that way for a few years as I had to focus on my re-schooling. I also was really suffering serious home-sickness. I’m not the kind of person to get ‘home-sick’… I’m a person who can stay ‘alone’ for a long time without going wacko, but when you are in a place you don’t feel comfortable at, it just doesn’t feel like home. And you can only do that for so long, before it gets to you. I also had the heavy burden of not being able to really have a “real” job and being in an area where jobs are scarce. While that hasn’t changed, other things have. I now have my bachelor’s degree and my education degree is complete but won’t be conferred until June, 2009. I have my teaching certificate and can now teaching anywhere in the province. And yes — things are still sorta on pause now as I await employment news — but at least I feel like I’ve taken about ten steps forward instead of the usual three steps back! Progress my friends, progress!

Tonight I sit here, typing away and listening to some music. You know? I forgot how nice music sounds! I don’t just mean the mindless drone music you hear on the radio sometimes, that you listen to while you work on something. I mean, to sit and truly listen to it. I’m listening to Andrea Bocelli at the moment and sometimes it’s good to just sit back, listen to the voice (as an instrument) and how it works with the other instruments. You don’t understand the words (for the most part) and you can just focus on the music for what it is, without becoming too narrowed in thought based by the words. I was never a singer myself but usually just played instruments. I was way too shy to sing, believe me! My dad was a singer but me? No way. However, the first second (literally!) that I picked up an instrument in my grade 6 class, I knew I was destined to be a musician. In fact, I saw it as a challenge! Grade 6 & 7, I got stuck playing the clarinet. Everyone wanted the flute and I got stuck on that ugly thing. But, I learned to play it. The summer of grade 7/8, I had a chance to take a highschool music class during the summer months. Sweeet. And? I got to play flute! Totally sweet! So, I learned it on my own. Grade 9 I got stuck playing the sax. Too many flute players, so would someone kindly please play sax? Not only do we need you to play sax but we need you to play tenor sax! Sure, I’d LOVE to lug that big thing around. No problemo. But, I took it as a challenge. I practised until my lips bled (literally) and I lived for music! I was grateful that I had a gift for it but obviously not so grateful that I quit in grade 11 because I couldn’t stand the music teacher.  Why? I don’t know. Personality clash. She got mad at me for learning so many instruments (I’d often stay late or take home other instruments to learn, to the point where I was ‘fluent’ in many of them). “You can’t excel at all of these instruments, you shouldn’t be doing that.” The problem was, I could. And I know I could. Why? Because, I did and I know I could. However, she kept getting angry at me all of the time by giving me the hairy eye and I’m totally not into games, so I quit.

Can you believe that? I quit!

Biggest regret in my life. The regret is NOT that I quit the classes and stopped playing, but the regret that I “let her win”. I let her take music away from me. I let her have that control on me.

However!

I never strayed from music. It’s seared upon my soul and until the day I die, I will always be a musician. Right now I don’t play as well as I used to but within 2 minutes of picking up the saxophone for the first time in 10 years last year, it came flooding back. And with a rush of emotion and feeling undescribable to you, I felt an immense relief and a surge of … completeness.

Part of everything that has happened in my life lately feels like a large circle of completeness. Finishing school, starting new employment, returning to music and art… of course, I’m not satisfied in all parts of my life but I am slowly starting to gain reassurance on things. I’m also healing spiritually, after suffering a terrible blow a few years back. Sometimes I still feel as though I stumble through the dark wandering aimlessly.

Oddly enough, it was driving home on a dark and stormy night from french class one night, when I decided to take this next big step. I was feeling out of sorts from the class, disenchanted with my learning… and wondering what on earth my purpose for being on earth is. What is my reason for being here? What is it truly I am meant to do? And in the 10-minute ride home, I reaslised what it is I am to do! My reason for being here, my fire if you will. I am to write a book on (re)discovering humanity. While travelling near and far to write stories of people who have been touched or who have performed random acts of kindness, sympathy/empathy, goodwill and benevolence to their fellow man — I believe firmly my faith in mankind will be rekindled… and my faith in myself reborn as well. Yea, it sounds a bit weird but as luck would have it, so am I!

I asked myself in the car that night, what could someone with my background really do? How can I use all of the skills I have acquired throughout the years towards something? Has all of my education been for not? How can I use my self for the greater good? And how can I heal myself spiritually, before it kills my soul entirely? And literally in a flash, I saw the book. I knew immediately it was my purpose.

Now that I’m “free” of some things, this frees my time up immensely. I do however still need to work so that obviously comes first but I may as well do something with my time when I can, without feeling like it is sucked up into a vortex again or something. I need to live! I need to have purpose once more!

It’s time for the new beginnings, me thinks!

Warning: A long, meandering post which touches many subjects without going into one specifically. Sorry if I jump around, I’m just writing what comes to mind Mii’gwetch!

I can’t believe it. I’m absolutely, positively FINISHED school. In the past three months I have got both my Bachelor of Arts and my Bachelor of Education! I’m an honest-to-goodness, real live teacher!

This road hasn’t been an easy one. In fact, six years ago I never could have possibly imagined I would end up where I am now. In 2002 I signed up for my first part-time university course. I did it just for the mere fun of it. Part of me actually was thinking of becoming a psychologist. I probably would have become one if it had not been for the university not making enough psychology courses available at night-time. So instead, I ended up taking history (which don’t get me wrong, I enjoy it and it’s a facinating subject and contains a lot of interesting stuff… in fact, a lot of history IS about the psychology of people… what makes people do what they do at the time? What on earth were they thinking? And, the clothes! Seriously, the history of clothing alone is interesting enough! What made people think they could stick big ruffly neck-things around them and think it looks sexy???? Duuuuude.) and that’s what I graduated with. A degree in history. Actually, if you really think about it history really does suit someone like me, who studied journalism. A lot of what you write comes from the past… learning where to find your information, decipher it, check for provenance (is it believeable? who wrote it and what were their intentions? can it be trusted?) and finally, discern your own interpreation from it. 

But teaching?

Where did that come from??? Walking home today from the library, I was thinking about my brothers. I used to play teacher with them… I’d be the teacher (obviously!) and I’d give them all of this “homework” to do. I also remember that I used to try and make little “schools” out of pennies, nickels, dimes and quarters. They used to ride to school in little egg-cartons. Heh. Listen, I grew up on a farm without a lot of neighbour kids, okay? Stop laughing! I turned out “okay”, alright? Well, mostly okay.

Then in grade 5, I decided one day I was going to a journalist. In fact, I remember my grade 6 teacher asking me (and I’ll write about him in a minute, okay?) asking me, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

“A writer,” I said.

“Really? You already know?” he asked. 

“Yea, a newspaper writer.” (That was before I knew their fancy name was journalist!)

He paused for a moment, looked up and thought for a moment. You could tell he was seriously thinking this. “You would make an excellent writer I think!”

I was so afraid he’d laugh at my idea. When I get a thought in my head, I take it seriously. I do what I say I’m going to do (usually).  I was painfully shy at the time and I wonder if he was thinking about that! Hahaha… but, that teacher - Mr. Eaton - is the reason I went into teaching. He was the person who believed in me. I also had him as a teacher for almost four years. 

Can you believe that? It was amazing. I often felt like I was a kid of his, because he talked to me like an adult. I had a lot of serious things going on in my life at that point — things no child should ever have to go through — and he supported me 100% in the ways he could. God bless him, because he passed away a few years ago. The last time I saw him I was finishing up my last year of college (my first-go-around of school!) and he went to this store I worked at (for all of a week). He wanted to talk but there was a huge line up of people. I wished more than anything, that I could have talked to him. Just one more time… just one more time…

A while after that, I found out he had passed away. Suddenly, of a heart-attack. I think I actually had a few tears when I heard it… impossible! Unbelieveable!

And so, this is where my story really begins I believe! As fate would have it, I became injured and slowly the realisation that I had to change my career was loud and clear. Two years after the injury, I had to quit. I couldn’t do it anymore and no job is worth my health or happiness. So I began working at finishing my BA and slowly I kept getting ‘messages’ that I should look into teaching. People would tell me that time and time again. And, the timing was right that I could join this program for teaching… and well, two (long) years later, I’m finally finished!

I may not be a very intelligent person but I am kind. I have an open heart. I have a desire to help others learn. And, I know I had an excellent role-model of a teacher I was blessed to have. I also was blessed with an awesome associate teacher who had many of the same qualities my own teacher was… (and if you’re reading this site, a special chi mii’gwetch to you!)… and with all of these qualities and the ones I was fortunate enough to have experienced throughout this process, I know I will be a good teacher and I know I will make (hopefully) positive changes to the lives of many children. 

Wish me luck in my new career… the next phase of my life has officially begun!

In late 1998, my grand-father Scotty passed away from a sudden illness. He was in to see his doctor on the Friday before Thanksgiving, given a clean bill of health and sent on his way. Saturday night he went to bingo with my grandma and had a night of enjoyment, eating pizza and enjoying life the way he usually did… in the late 1970s he had a lung transplant or surgery of somekind which was one of the first to happen in Canada. They gave him five years to live but he took 20 instead. Scottish to the end, his frugality and stubbornness gave me a wonderful grandfather who stepped in when my mom’s dad couldn’t cut it. Not grandfather by blood, it didn’t matter. He loved me dearly and I know it. Saturday late in the night and early Sunday morning, he lungs filled up with fluid as he slept and by the time my grandmother realised what was happening and got him in to the hospital, it was too late. My dear Scotty died. It’s been ten years now — how fast and yet slow they pass, all at once. I never forget you… not for a moment! And Scotty in his passing brought my mom’s family together as a whole, one last time. We have a beautiful portrait of all of us, including my mom’s brother who passed away a few years later. Funerals are a time of mourning but a time of celebration as well — a time to celebrate those who had passed, and those still with us. 

Last year, I had to say good-bye to a close friend of mine… to my dear cat, Pugsy. He was often sick but managed to last a good 15 years. In May 2007, I had to go north until Thanksgiving to both work and go to school. Before I left, he got sick and I ended up spending my $800 tax return on him to get him well enough. I was so torn but I knew I had to go and couldn’t stay home for him… so I turned to prayer and asked God, “Please, just let him be well until I get home.” I was supposed to be home at the end of July but circumstances had me stay there a while more. I came home on weekends and such but finally was “home for good” on the Friday of the Thanksgiving weekend. He looked unwell but by midnight that Friday, I knew it was time. “Time” was when I knew in my heart, it was time to say good-bye. Tuesday morning couldn’t roll around fast enough, he was in pain and cried and I cried, knowing what I had to do and how much I would miss him.

Pugsy Video

There are two photos in there, of us on the day we took him in. I wondered if I would cry watching the movie tonight, one year later…. and I didn’t. Instead, I smiled and laughed and realised how lazy my cat was, how much he enjoyed sleeping and that I really did give him the best 15 years a cat could ever have. God answered my prayer by having him well enough for me to come home and to spend one last weekend with him… and for me to be there when it was time to let him go.

I was a good grand-daughter. I was a good mother to my cat. I had an awesome grandfather. I had a loyal friend. God answered my prayer. They lived their lives to the fullest (and the laziest for Pugs!) …. and I was blessed to have them in mine. And for that, I am grateful.

Sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like if I wasn’t injured but right now? I can’t even really think about that any longer. I just have to deal with the cards that I have been dealt with and keep going.

Graduation is set for the beginning of June, 2009 and my goal between now and then is to get fit. Now that my educational goals have been met, I can finally start focusing on the other things that have been put off until now.  And no, I couldn’t do them both at the same time… why? Just because

I’ll be updating this site again in about a week, as I show you the fruits of our garden labour! Ahhh, yes, it’s harvesting time around these parts! Well, the first of many harvests I believe! Thanks to an abundance of rain this year, we should have some good crops!

I’m slowly getting there! I finally also received my BA a few weeks ago… I can finally get some letters there behind my name, haha… and just a few more weeks, I’ll be able to throw a B. Ed behind there too… and eventually, an M.ED as well, one day… some day… but no day soon, haha….

Time to start earning some bucks again!

So, unless you truck in literally, tons of nutrient rich topsoils, you will NOT have a perfect yard. Our front yard is pretty good, as is the side yard we just fixed up (thanks to having a dad in the dirt business!) but I can’t possibly ask my dad to bring a few dumptruck loads of soil.

The far reaches of our backyard has really poor grass quality and a lot of weeds. About a hundred years ago a farm existed on this land and before that, it was forested land. The farm clearly didn’t “last” (likely due to the poor soil!) and now, we have a big ugly back-end to our yard. Canadians have this weird festish about land-clearing… probably ingrained in our psyche from when we immigrated here and you had to clear your land and produce a working farm within 3 years or you’d lose your land. Well, sometimes we take it a bit far and every freakin’ tree on your property is removed. If it wasn’t for that awesome greenspace we have in the back, our yard would be butt-ugly… treeless, baren land.

Well? I’m going to change that. My goal is to  — in the time we have left here at this house — to re-green at least 25% of the backyard with natural landscaping… that means, re-treeing, re-vegetating and re-everything natural that we can back there. It’s time to give back some of the land to nature because 16000 square feet is way more land than anyone needs, even if you had a big family full of kids!

Ultimately, this is what will happen… wildlife will come back to the area, the future owners will have less grass to cut and more importantly, if the road-allowance (our current green-belt) actually ever goes through, there’ll be some trees back there to enjoy and a view of an ugly road won’t be the only thing you see.

But - more importantly? I have neighbours who are really nosy and really “keeping up with the joneses” and along with the regreening of the back portion of the yard, we also got trees to plant inside our gated area which will grow and provide privacy from the nosy neighbours.

Last week I was carpooling with this guy from the area to my band and got talking about trees and things. Turns out he grows trees. He called a few days and said he has perhaps a solution to my nosy neighbour problem and offered to give me a bunch of larch/tamarack trees which will provide shade, privacy and were already about 15-20 feet tall. Talk about instant gratification! He offered those for free because people aren’t buying trees this year (probably due to the economy), and they weren’t doing too well as they had been recently relocated from another tree farm he had. Instead of destroying them, he offered them for free if I wouldn’t mind paying for labour. Turned out we got some other trees as well (which we paid for) but - it’s a great start to our re-greening plan.

Ready for the pics????? :)  Please enjoy! They won’t likely get much bigger this year but - next year we will have some healthier, happier trees!